1. |
Tomorrow Was a Heaven
03:25
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TOMORROW WAS A HEAVEN
wishing is a child's hell
waking up on bedroom floor, could have been two minutes, could have been days
days do turn to weeks, and crippled years do limp by in some stubborn lust for depression
for every star I've grown to admit I cannot reach within the extent of my capacity
truly for an end to whoever I've desired to be
beautiful savor of regret
a default world I never sought out
a world I was terrified to define
the intimate clutch of a darkened heart
immolated by the kamikaze dream of love
dream of love...
crying violently against an abyss of insincerity
trapped in a vast web of defanged words
the absolute absence of absolute
ironic amidst a labyrinth of dogma
insecurities of a wretched world
where I notice alcohol is...
our god of control, our god of sorrow
trapped in the callous palm (blinding vices)
= god of control / god of sorrow
a default world I never sought out
a world I was terrified to define
the intimate clutch of a darkened heart
immolated by the kamikaze dream of love
see me dying violently in this mass grave of insincerity
dead in the center of that web of defanged words
the absolute absence of absolute
ultimately is it the one true unflinching law
and I pretend I haven't noticed and like I live for her world...
tomorrow was a childhood bliss for me
an endless shimmering ocean of what I was meant to be
tomorrow was a heaven, tomorrow was a heaven
great prophesied release from the tribulations I know today...
where society is a cloak of thorns
where lovers become the wounds that will not heal
a forced sacrifice
now sustained by the carnal succulence of hurt
mind's eye glimpse of serene and all engulfing introversion - that was me
and the awful eclipsing mania as I'm pulling myself from it again
why did I wake up again - NO
miserable blur of a life
beautiful savor of regret
miserable blur of a life
entropy of a lying world
...I undress and expect your scent on my own skin
burning want, die to death in so much pain...
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2. |
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DYING UNDER THE GREEN LIGHT
though you scald my mind I'd do it on my own anyway I know
in my bed with your back to me when I'm with you I feel so alone
you're the reason I want alcohol after I give you all I got do you really care at all
when yesterday is a scar on my mind and now I'm pissed about tomorrow
what am I supposed to learn
why am I supposed to live
on and on and on it seems
supposed to get through it but I feel it killing me!
look back at a million yesterdays and I'm drowning in the mistakes I've made
300 years coming in a cold cold world
heartless and callous where prayers are cruel jokes
ritual of idiotic hopes, tradition of perpetual addiction to sorrow
under the green light the sun comes up but I'm so far away now...
what am I supposed to learn
why am I supposed to live
on and on and on it seems
supposed to get through it but I feel it killing me!
waiting aching in a constant fever wondering
am I gonna die? fuck yeah I wanna die! RIGHT NOW!
(a dirty white Alien Sex Fiend shirt almost transparent
with just your tan skin calling beneath
long brown hair and wide inviting eyes
...still splintered glances at your face, each moment I possibly can
now just a beautiful echo)
for myself a memory that cannot be taken away
for myself a memory that cannot be taken away
11th hour - allure of coma - HEY!
so tell me what am I supposed to learn
and why am I supposed to live
on and on and on it seems
supposed to get through it but I feel it killing me!
...are my faults my identity
doors opening in dark rooms leading to other dark rooms
lifelong waiting in awe of the night I die
dreams I can't remember
no photograph, just vaporous memories interwoven with mad delusions
vision of tasting your tears, wanting them to be real
more than a dream I can't remember...
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3. |
Drowning In Existence
03:51
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DROWNING IN EXISTENCE
forget another moment, hour, month, life, forget
choke on my own name and crippled by thoughts
decades day by day just more ways to say the same
one world feeling like a straight up crown of thorns you see
beautiful nightmare of desolation threat
vicious romantic nights of my love / my curse
monomaniac undead scraping raw all that I known...
in those same shadows of my mind I'll see you there
adopt your name - speak obsession
ready to write it, say it, remember it, admit
perfect nightmare zone - maze of nightmares
would you love me truly when I'm dead
would you still love me when I finally quit
"what was his name anyway" give up
the dream I can keep - give up
the dream I can remember like falling in love
ancient youthful archaic dream I can keep
the dream I can remember like falling in love
drowning in existence...
beautiful nightmare of desolation threat
vicious romantic nights of my love / my curse
monomaniac undead scraping raw all that I known
no more looking back, to hell with the consequences
in those same shadows of my mind I'll see you there
adopt your name - speak obsession
ready to write it, say it, remember it, admit
perfect nightmare zone - maze of nightmares
I'd really like to know it another way
drowning in existence...
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4. |
GarGoyle Alien
02:58
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GarGoyle ALIEN
my face feels like a wound on the verge of pouring blood
tomb of my own devices
waking up without... waking up without... waking up without...
eutats elttil leurc sdrow detsaw
lolita in the batcave
engaged to be buried
sodomy in an early grave
cut an X into my head, CUT AN X INTO MY HEAD!
and I'm tasting your green skin on my tongue as I tie you down
all I ever wanted in my wildest nightmares
tasting your green skin in my teeth as I chain you down
try to grip so tight but I'm waking up insane now
I'm tasting your green skin on my tongue as I tie you down
you're all I ever wanted in my wildest nightmares
tasting your green skin in my teeth as I chain you down
try to grip so tight but I'm waking up insane now
lolita in the batcave
engaged to be buried
sodomy in an early grave
cut an X into my head, CUT AN X INTO MY HEAD!
and I'm tasting your green skin on my tongue as I tie you down
all I ever wanted in my wildest nightmares
tasting your green skin in my teeth as I chain you down
try to grip so tight but I'm waking up insane now
I'm tasting your green skin on my tongue as I tie you down
you're all I ever wanted in my wildest nightmares
tasting... (wasted words) TASTING... (no no no)
and I'm gripping so tight but I'm waking up insane now
(I feel like I'll wear this decrepit Christian Death shirt until the day I die...)
my beloved baby gargoyle, callous but incredible...
EUTATS ELTTIL LEURC
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5. |
Perpetual Funeral
03:03
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PERPETUAL FUNERAL
no more loneliness...
no more songs to remember...
no more pictures or words in my mind...
full circle depression beat the fuck out me again
numb mind perpetual funeral mind rotten
same dream of rejection, a world to leave me weakened
feeling destined to lose what is left destroyed until dead
I don't want to lose you
so soon I say this curse
remembering obsessions past
assigning them such frightening...
make myself sick just waiting for you
fuck it up, fuck it up bad, it's just a game I'm gonna lose
didn't mean to need you this way, I swear I've tried but it's no use
wrong place, wrong time, wrong hell to walk into
I don't want to lose you
so soon I say this curse
remembering obsessions past
assigning them such frightening worth
(ALMOST)
no more loneliness...
no more songs to remember...
no more pictures or words in my mind...
I don't want to lose you
so soon I say this curse
remembering obsessions past
assigning them such frightening...
(know that when it may seem sweet or strange
I will love you to the extent of my being
nothing less matters to someone who feels they will die each day
I can give you nothing less
perhaps love can save me yet, after I have failed myself)
the relief of death
perfect in its natural inevitability
its unspoken lustful relation to happiness
death, the most beautifully ultimate change
...moments and their assigned holiness falling through our fingers...
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6. |
Angel of Pain
03:52
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ANGEL OF PAIN
...memory like a shadow cast by flickering silver candlesticks
happy birthday from your broken yet adoring Peter Pan
up all night looming anxious as that image unfolds
of my mysterious giggling teenage succubus with stenciled clothing
the warm tight grip on each of those otherwise frozen empty nights
and the scent I clung to achingly every night in between
the schemes, the bad jokes, the cold uphill walks
you are the sanctuary of green light
you are the laying within it counting each bat on the wall
you are the burning hate and disgust I am begging mad and helpless until
each time it crumbles away leaving only this hopeless love and desire
unbreakable, invincible...
(my Lolita and my friend)
entranced and obsessed and unbreakable...
(sacrifice in hell)
past the smoke and mirrors of every unwanted tomorrow
my innocent muse
my tough as nails living dead pornographer
wild oblivion that hung over the edges of my imagination
sacred archetype made flesh
my lovebite that must never heal (I made certain it will not)
reason to celebrate against the depression of dreams made trash
my reason not to be dull and pray there will always be more in me
more romantic ways to make you scream as I'm crawling further into the pit
more hours buried in bed and waves of vicious energy to spend
on hair to pull and skin to strike and awful embraces to lick
because if it is of you then it is what I want
my own teenage fantasy
my wrenchingly impossible dream
I hold my breath for one more minute, hour, day, month
my innocent muse!
my tough as nails living dead pornographer
wild oblivion! that hung over the edges of my imagination when I was a kid
I love you like a childhood fantasy of deviant lust
I love you YES if it turns out you're a disease
because through enduring you I can be made stronger...
PAIN... angel of pain... angel of pain... angel of pain!
it's a movie you can't see on TV
a leather whip in your mouth
it's a tarantula's web around your favorite LP
it's another bottle of cheap wine in a field of fireflies
it's a threatening phone call and a bag of ice - another late night ride
many more long walks home in the dark
a date at midnight in Spring Grove Cemetery
sobering now I want to feel it when I hold you
hope that you remember all the things that I told you - PAIN
angel of pain, my angel of pain I know these are just words
but they aren't for anybody else and they're the best I got
for my angel of pain, angel of pain
happy birthday wherever you may be
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7. |
You Can Forget
03:42
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YOU CAN FORGET
I had a dream today I was thrown away like garbage
and every word I said came out like trash
as I poured my heart, my blood, my mind, my life out from behind locked doors
it was smashed
rejection
rejection out of fear - see my eyes - I'm addicted to hell
and around every corner what you wanna do but dream of solutions
rejection
rejection year by year - addicted to depression - can't you tell
and I dream of stepping up and breaking out
but what a delusion
I had a dream last night you told me I was worthless
well not long ago I felt like I could be anything but that
you said "I don't care what you thought you saw or what you thought you heard before"
you said "nothing is supposed to last, I'll make sure it stays like that"
rejection
rejection out of fear - see my eyes - I'm addicted to hell
and around every corner what you wanna do but dream of solutions
rejection
rejection year by year - addicted to depression - can't you tell
I dream of stepping up and breaking out
I need a solution
nightmare of rejection...
I lost my home, I lost my band, I lost my lover, my best friend
and I don't think my life will ever be the same again
they tell me that tomorrow I won't care, the wounds will heal
but now my life's a scar at best
more like a scab on a bat on my chest
there's not much in this world that gives me joy without a lie
and when the joy in life is gone for good I won't stay here just to cry
secretly I'm going to the most distant forest I can find
with a lot of pills and vodka, because after all this life is mine
I've thought about the hopes and plans my heart lived for in stronger days
and if it matters that I've done these things before I've gone away
will I look back at this world with regret?
no, I will cease to be, and you won't find my body
so you can forget...
you can forget...
you can just forget...
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8. |
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DEDICATED TO THE IMPOSSIBLE
if you let me know you I'll accept whatever I find...
I know enough about loneliness to last a long lifetime
now find me in this struggle to end a war with existence
divert me from this questioning of the inherent value in life
to see your face, hear your voice, feel your tender embrace
to be filled with an awe and hope rumored to have died and gone away
to challenge the ultimate state of aloneness that is otherwise such merciless law
know that I do love you, beyond anticipation and affectionate strategy
know that you have truly touched my heart, if even for a moment
without explanation or allegiance to a future
I do love you...
rejected - regretted
I'm the rat with disease you better never ever touch
you better let me rot away alone
like a leper in the shadows - UNCLEAN
rejected - regretted
I'm the rat with disease you better never ever touch
you better let me rot away alone girl
a leper in the shadows - impossible, impossible, impossible
"in heaven everything is fine"
feel your hands on my body for the first time finally
my thoughts are no longer a loud engulfing howl of pain... howl of pain...
you hate yourself when you touch me, that one time one taste regret nothing
but it was a chance to look you in the eyes like I was fourteen again... again...
rejected - regretted
I'm the rat with disease you better never ever touch
you better let me rot away alone
like a leper in the shadows - UNCLEAN
rejected - regretted
I'm the rat with disease you better never ever touch
you better let me rot away alone girl
a leper in the shadows - impossible, impossible, impossible
...sorry forever, sorry forever
apologize, apologize for tasting my deformity
only did it once drunk and you'll be sorry forever, sorry forever
rejected - regretted
I'm the rat with disease you better never ever touch
you better let me rot away alone
like a leper in the shadows - UNCLEAN
rejected - regretted
I'm the rat with disease you better never ever touch
you better let me rot away alone girl
a leper in the shadows - impossible, impossible, impossible
the sweetest words I can string together crumble into dust
as I'm pushed away back into a world of strangers, left knowing I'm not worth it
knowing I'm not worth it, left knowing I'm not worth it
rejected - regretted
I'm the rat with disease you better never ever touch
you better let me rot away alone
like a leper in the shadows - UNCLEAN
rejected - regretted
I'm the rat with disease you better never ever touch
you better let me rot away alone girl
a leper in the shadows, a leper in the shadows, a leper in the shadows
impossible
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9. |
No Slave To Tomorrow
04:16
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NO SLAVE TO TOMORROW
...and I don't know how to start
whether it's living or dying or making things different...
paralyzed - once again
same fucked song but now I'm slow to sing it
expiration dates on lovers and friends
wasting my voice in a fool's oblivion
fuck this mortal coil
I don't make the rules and I wish I did not know them
damned to exist
damned to pretend that I still care what happens
...damned to exist
just a drunk voice in a fool's oblivion
so I find myself hating the idea of tomorrow
if it's got even remote resemblance of today
if it has even a memory of what it is to live this way
so tired and I've found my limits today I know...
I got your name on my heart
and a better world on fire in my mind
in dreams I fucking walk with you
just survive cos I'm tired as the months limp by
your name has become a suicide note on my skin
your name - on fire in my mind
begging to turn it off off off OFF
I don't care how, just let me die
and I find myself hating the idea of tomorrow
if it's got even remote resemblance of today
if it has even a memory of what it is to live this way
so tired and I've found my limits today I know...
...and I don't know how to end it
whether it's living or dying or making things different
a long long winter of both kept and broken promises
echo dulls but still remains
my mind is a hell
now I find myself hating the idea of tomorrow
if it's got even a memory of what it is to live this way
I'm tired and I've found my limits today I know
so tired and I've found my limits today I know...
no slave to tomorrow
...from the immaculate oblivion to which I am destined,
in final immolation beyond romance,
my most vulnerably dedicated words I leave for you to Do What Thou Wilt
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Dreams In Hell Cincinnati, Ohio
Cincylvanian DIY goth punx, damned to a trifling mortal coil since 2012, featuring Robert Inhuman (of Realicide, Decide Today), Jeromeo (of Vacation, Tweens), Dark Ness (of White Walls, Abduction), Duke Paranormal (of Siblings, Googly Eyes) CONTACT chiroptophilia@gmail.com ... more
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